I should start this by saying I’m not much of a Bond fan. Which is ironic to most people because my name, LITERALLY, is Bond. (Note to all: If you know someone with a well-known last name, don’t make the obvious joke and act like they’ve never heard it before. Trust me, they have and they’ve developed amazing powers of restraint.) What, or shall I say who, I am a fan of is Daniel Craig. I’ve seen some Bond films in the past, but I didn’t really take an interest until the sandy-haired, blue-eyed gentleman took the role. What can I say? I have a type.
I love stupid action movies, so you’d think the Bond franchise would be right up my alley, but for some reason I don’t find it terribly compelling. I suppose it’s because we always know that Bond is going to get into some insurmountable seeming situation, kill the villain in a spectacularly badass way, bed the beautiful girl, and live to fight again. In a formulaic genre, it is the most formulaic of plots.
Nevertheless, I have enjoyed a bit of what Craig has brought to the role. There was that tiny bit of homoeroticism with Javier Bardem in Skyfall and his wonderful chemistry with Eva Green in Casino Royale. In Spectre (2015) we get brute strength with Dave Bautista, Bond finally hooking up with a woman of his own age in Monica Bellucci, and the villainiest of villains in the ever fantastic Christoph Waltz. If I wasn’t exactly dazzled by Léa Seydoux as the typical young Bond Girl, she at least offered up some comic relief in her self-aware typical responses to his bravado.
I can’t recount the plot here because, let’s be honest, I never really take care to follow the machinations of a Bond film. All I can recall is Waltz breaking an intense silence by encouraging Bond with, “Go ahead. You can touch it,” Bautista going all Hulk Smash on a train, Bond taking out two baddies at once with his head hooded, and Seydoux doing her damnedest not to be won over by his charms, but eventually getting on her back for him because he’s Bond and that’s what one does in these situations. Oh, and I’d like to point out that the Spectre symbol only has seven tentacles and, therefore, is technically a heptopus.
Even if I didn’t completely follow the latest addition to the Bond mythology – or, let’s be honest, really care to – I did enjoy seeing the movie. With gratuitous violence, a vibrant Day of the Dead scene, and sharp menswear, it was fun. If nothing else, it made for a great date.